Distorted

 Mariah Christopher, ‘27

I stare blankly at my reflection. My face looks distorted. My eyes are so heavy they feel as if they are sliding down my face. I don't recognize myself. Maybe I'm dissociating. The room starts to spin, I feel nauseous. Who am I? I feel my heart trying to burst from my chest. I quickly turn away from the mirror, no longer dwelling on my appearance. I decide to get ready for the day, distracting myself. As I make my way out of my room, I decide to skip the mirror for my own well-being.

My house is silent despite the creaking of the floorboards. I make my way down the hall. It’s dark and dreary from the closed blinds. My cat greets me in the kitchen, brushing up against my leg. Did I feed you this morning? Sighing, I try to remember but I can't. I'm distracted from my thoughts when I see a shadow in the corner of the room. I freeze. My heart begins to race. It's just your imagination, you are stressed, it's nothing. Then it starts; the whispering, the chattering. I put my hands to my ears and squeeze my eyes shut. It's nothing, it's nothing. The whispering gets louder and louder, I shrink to the floor, tears brimming in my eyes. 

Sarah..

Sarah..

Hey Sarah.. Wake up.

I try to take a deep breath. I recognize this voice. It sounds exactly like m-.

My phone rings and everything stops. The voices, the whispering, even the shadow is gone. My mom is calling, I answer. 

I clear my throat; Hey mom..

Hi Sweetie! I called a few times, but you didn't answer. I was getting worried.

A sense of dread washes over me.

Shakily I respond; Oh.. I must have been busy, I didn't hear my phone ring, sorry.

It's okay sweetie. I haven't heard from you in a few weeks, I was wondering how you were doing si- since I pass- away.

W-what did you say? The phone was breaking up. I couldn't hear you.

I start to zone out. 

I said how are you doing? Have you looked outside; the sun is out.

Y-yeah I looked outside earlier, it's nice to see the sun out. Maybe I'll open the blinds for once, but I don't think I can step outside yet.

You should definitely open the blinds. It'll make you feel better too! But it's okay honey, you take all the time you need, you’ll know when you're ready to take that first step. I have to let you go though honey, Love you!

Love you too mom.. Bye.

What my mom said about mourning didn’t register in my head until a few hours later. Time seemed to be stuck, everything blending together. I convinced myself she didn't say it, and that it was all in my head. But all that seemed to do was convince myself I actually am crazy, and I'm not just having a bad day. I stare at the ceiling as I lay lifelessly in my room. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I allow myself to feel the carpet beneath me, gently gripping the fuzzy material. My room smells of maple and a candle I lit that I can't figure out the smell of. I try to ground myself; meditate.

I slowly start to open my eyes, not sure what time it is, or if it's even light out still. As my eyes adjust, I make out the shadow of the lit candle on the ceiling. I blink again. But this time when I open my eyes, it's there. The shadow is back, but this time there's multiple all around me. They look like faces; distorted. 

It's all your fault

It's all your fault

Frozen in fear, I try to speak but I can't. My words are caught in my throat, and I feel as if I'm in my own personal hell. I want to call for help, but I can't. Who would believe me? I'd be seen as crazy.

It's all in my head. 

It's all in my head. 

It's all in my head. 

Nothing is my fault, I did nothing.

This is all a dream.

I'm not sure how much time had passed until the tormenting was done. But when it ended, I decided to go on as if nothing had happened. Forcing myself to forget, cause if not I'm sure I would drive myself mad. Exhausted, I decided to make dinner. After today, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. But I needed some sense of normalcy, even if just for a moment. So, I spent the rest of the night cooking, cleaning, and watching tv cuddled up with my cat.

Before I could go to bed, I thought it would be smart of me to take sleeping pills. This way I know the voices and the shadows wouldn't come back, this way I could have a good night’s sleep, this way I could be normal. I made my way down the dark and dreary hallway, the sounds of the floorboards creaking beneath my feet. I stopped for a moment, peeking out the blinds. Maybe one day, but not yet.

I make my way towards my room, closing the door behind me. Locking it. This way nothing could torment me. I stop at my mirror; I stare blankly at my reflection. My face looks distorted. My eyes are so heavy they feel as if they are sliding down my face. Maybe I'm dissociating. The room starts to spin, I feel nauseous-.