Beaches in Heaven

 Paden Horton, ‘25

Bury yourself in comfort

As you mourn a life 

Before it’s ended

As doctors wind up 

The chicken-shaped stove counter 

On her life.

They say weeks to months 

Like that’s not vague enough

To send anyone into fits of 

Grief and terror.

And as you sit at the dinner table 

Trying to look stable 

Barely able 

To hold back tears

You (selfishly) wonder if 

Not knowing about the counter 

Would be better or worse

So try not to taint your tone with tears

As fears placed aside 

In the freezer 

For a day ‘much too far from now’

Thaw in your hands

As reality sets

In

And 

As you make it through dinner

Just to hide in your den

Tears creeping in

Fall from your face

Too rattled 

By premature grief

To make a brief call

To her

For fear of falling apart.

And let’s be honest

She doesn’t have time 

To feel bad.

She barely has time at all.

And just like tides reeling back on the beach 

You calm these streams

Just to reach

For dessert 

To fill 

In 

The 

Gaps

And as you leave, having finished

A silent dessert

Enough for two

A new wave grows momentum 

Til

you are picking up 

And it hits you 

Much like the waves hit a toddler

Alone against the ocean

‘I hope there are beaches in Heaven’ 

And like that 

I’m drowning.

You hold these broken pieces 

You call yourself 

Together just enough

To get to your room

Before rivers flow from your eyes

As a new set of sorrows 

Fill your mind.

She’s still got time though.

And though you pray that there are beaches in Heaven

Because you know 

Just how much she loves the 

Beach

You need to remember 

That she still has time

And so for her sake 

You plan

To call her tomorrow 

When you can laugh 

And talk to her

Without crying

And tonight you will pray

And hope

And plead

To the gods

That she makes it another day.